This story is fictional, intended to
make intolerant people look bad
‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’ Road Show
Huge Disaster for Vincennes
By Eddie
Bird, THG staff writer
In what was planned as an event to bring a highly popular
show to the masses turned into a fiasco in Vincennes, Indiana this past week.
According to the show’s website, ‘Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy’ is “an elite team of gay men dedicated to extolling the simple
virtues of style, taste, and class.” Their mission is to acquaint
otherwise straight men with the pleasures of homosexuality. Because of the
show’s popularity, the producers decided to take the program on the road to
communities in desperate need of makeovers.
The Fab Five mistakenly selected the southwestern Indiana
city of Vincennes for their first road trip. Says show member Carson Kressley,
“Vincennes was a natural choice for the show. The men were in desperate need of
some culture. I mean, have you seen the plaid shirts and Wrangler jeans? It
just boggles the mind.” That is exactly what cast member Jai Rodriguez thought
of the town. Says Jai: “We thought it would be a perfect fit. After all, their
high school mascot is the Alices!”
Vincennes Mayor Scott Brown thought differently.
“Vincennes and Knox County does not condone this type of lifestyle.” Brown
went on to say that “This is the type of influence we mean to keep out of our
city.” When asked if this was a form of discrimination, Mayor Brown
replied that “I went to college in Alabama during the civil rights movement, so
I’m sensitive to civil rights.” But Brown added, “This is going a little too far.
We don’t need these types of people in our community.”
Mayor Brown sounded politically correct compared with some
of the locals. When questioned for his views, lifelong resident Dexter Dooley
replied, “If them fags didn’t git the hell out of town when they did, we were
going to string ‘em up from the George Rogers Clark Memorial.”
In hindsight, Kressley agreed the city was a poor choice
for the show. “These people were beyond help. I mean, first off, where were we
going to buy new clothes for these people? Our choices were either K-Mart or
Wal-Mart. That would just be more of the same.” Rodriguez also agreed, “Most of
the people we help on the show are glad for the help. In Vincennes we never
really felt welcomed.”
Producers have decided to discontinue the road trip version
of the shows for safety reasons. “We now realize not everyone appreciates
or even desires to better themselves in the fashion and culture sense,”
concluded an unnamed show executive. The moral of this story seems to be
that if you have a queer eye, stay the hell out of Vincennes.
