Dear Auburn, Please take Mike
Davis. Sincerely, the State of Indiana
An Open Letter from Biff
Stevens
Dear Auburn University,
Greetings and
Salutations! Hoping this letter finds you in good spirits. We haven’t talked for
awhile, so I thought I’d drop you guys a line.
I heard some rather
interesting news that prompted me to write this letter. Your basketball team is
without a coach. It seems you good ol’ boys were none too pleased with the
performance of Cliff Ellis, so your President pulled a Bobby Knight on him.
In addition to being
without a coach, I’ve received the good news that you are interested in our
coach, Mike Davis. I couldn’t be happier at this prospect! This is almost as
good of news as Kentucky getting beat in the 2nd round!
Most schools become
angry when one of their coaches is mentioned as a candidate for another job. I
assure you that is not the case in Indiana. Let’s just say letting you have our
basketball coach is a way to smooth over any lingering hostilities from the
Civil War.
Mike Davis coaching the
Auburn Tigers seems like a match made in heaven. We don’t want our coach, you
don’t have a coach, and he is, after all, from Alabama. If there is any way for
me to expedite this matter, please feel free to contact me.
Now, I know Coach Davis
led the Hoosiers to their worst season in 34 years, but don’t let that fool
you. He’s a helluva coach; just not the kind we like. Maybe we could make a
trade: our basketball coach for your football team? Davis has downgraded our
storied basketball program to the level of our sorry football program, but I’m
sure he’d work out fine for you. I’m not coming on too strong, am I? The last
thing I want to do is sound like a used car salesman.
All indications point to
Auburn quickly finding a new coach. This tidbit of information was reported by
your own distinguished newspaper, the Mobile Register (thank God!). I know you
have your doubts; for one, the losing season and second, he’s under contract for
the next four seasons (what was the athletic department thinking?).
Not to worry, though.
He’s proven he has the unparalleled ability to recruit blue-chip talent. Just
ask him. You’ll turn into a Cubs fan just hearing his “wait ‘till next
year, help is
on the way” spiels. He also has a charisma that captivates the press and the IU
fan base. Just ask any Hoosier. The most common thing heard around the state
Coach Davis took over is, “What was all the fuss about that Knight guy?”
Believe me, Davis is a nice retread, I mean coach, who would bring your Tigers
back to national prominence. As far as the long-term contract, Coach has always
said he would like to go home again (when’s the next Greyhound leave for
Auburn?)
The Mobile Register also
reported that you are possibly considering Virginia Commonwealth’s Jeff Capel
and UAB’s Mike Anderson. Either of those two would be the wrong choice. I’m
sure they are both nice guys and good coaches, as well as enjoying modest
success in this year’s tournament, but have either one of these guys been to the
national title game (albeit with someone else’s players)? Nope, didn’t think
so.
Here’s hoping we can get
this deal done, quickly. If you were to hire Davis, in let’s say, the next
couple of days, it would give the inept athletic department in Bloomington
plenty of time to find a suitable (real) replacement. This would be a
beneficial move for both parties: you get a top-notch coach (allegedly), and IU
can get a coach that will never let the debacle of 2003-2004 repeat itself (not
to mention getting out from under that large contract). Best of luck in all
your future endeavors!
