In the first part of this series, I discussed how to make the lives of fat folks
more enjoyable when flying. My next mission is to offer tips that show our
portly and plump readers ways to pick a perfect vacation hot spot and how to
cope with problems faced once they reach their destinations and are on the
ground.
To make your trip a pleasant experience, a lot of planning and research must be
done. The most important thing to find out before going on a trip is how much
walking and physical exertion it will involve. If you are like me and try to
avoid strenuous toil as much as possible, it is important to pick a vacation
spot that will allow you to have fun without working for it. The best way to do
this is to ask yourself the following questions: Will this trip involve walking
tours? Does this location have public transportation? How far away from the
hotel is the nearest restaurant? Will there be stairs I have to walk up? Will it
be hot there? If the answers to these questions fit your ideals, then it is all
systems go!
Even though we try to avoid it, there will probably be some time during a trip
when we are forced to do some walking, especially if you are on a sightseeing
tour. One thing that is many times overlooked by fat people is the importance of
selecting proper undergarments for travel. Boxer briefs are the way to go for
the big man. Here is how I learned this lesson the hard way:
Two summers ago, I drove to Colorado with my friend Melvin to see the Rocky
Mountains. We stopped in Glenwood Springs for gas, and saw a sign directing
tourists to the cemetery where legendary gunslinger Doc Holiday is buried. Being
a history buff that loves reading about the Old West, I wanted to pay my
respects. We started walking up the half-mile trail to Linwood Cemetery. I was
wearing bikini briefs under my shorts at the time and my legs rubbed together
when I walked, causing third-degree burns on the insides of my legs. Luckily I
was with a fellow fatty who was able to help escort me down the hillside and
rush me to Valley View Hospital for treatment. Ever since this episode, I have
worn boxer briefs to prevent this painful experience from happening again.
Another important thing to remember: When traveling to any location, regardless
of climate, always pack so-called “summer clothes”. Forget what those travel
guides say about wearing layered clothing and heavy winter coats when visiting
locales like Alaska or Greenland—these books were not written with the large in
mind.
On a winter trip to England a few years back, I expected rain and frigid
temperatures, so I took a heavy jacket along with me. Sure, the temperature got
down in the 30s, but every time I got tired of carrying the coat and put it on,
I would break out instantly in a sweat. I finally got so fed up with lugging it
around that I threw it into the River Thames as my tour group was crossing
London’s Tower Bridge. If you are like most fat slobs and complain constantly of
being hot and sweaty regardless of outdoor temperature, do yourself a favor and
leave the outerwear at home.
My final pointer for would be travelers is this: always familiarize yourself
with your surroundings and investigate where the best public restrooms are.
Sooner or later, nature is going to call, and you know that there is a good
possibility it is going to be an emergency, especially after sampling the local
cuisine. Avoid subways, stadiums, and public parks; these have some of the
filthiest toilets the world has ever seen. Instead, look for relief in latrines
in areas that are well maintained. Cathedrals, national monuments, and casinos
usually have the best facilities with the cleanest seats. Some even have
attendants there to ensure visitors have a pleasant experience.
I hope this advice will be a valuable tool for any one of you planning a trip,
big or small. The principles mentioned in this travel series, if followed to a
tee, should create a travel atmosphere that anyone huge in stature can
appreciate and enjoy.
