‘Mullet
Men’ crucial to 2004 Presidential Election
By
Klaus Von Vigo, THG Features
Move over Soccer Moms and
NASCAR Dads, there’s a new demographic that has been crowned key to the 2004
Presidential Election:
The Mullet Men.
The Mullet Men demographic
is described as those gentlemen who prefer to wear the fashionable hairstyle
described best as a “Kentucky Waterfall” or “Tennessee Top Hat.” They usually
work in a garage, in a warehouse, or factory. They love Budweiser or Busch
Beer. Their education level is a high school diploma, CDL, or an associate
degree in heating and air.
The term Mullet Men is a
spin-off of the popular group “NASCAR Dads.” This might be confusing because
many believe Mullet Men and NASCAR Dads are one in the same. Why are pollsters
being redundant in describing a segment of the population?
It’s simple according to
political scientist Phil Gianos. Gianos, a professor at Cal State-Fullerton,
told the Orange County Register that NASCAR Dads are “one of those inevitably
oversimplified titles.”
Democratic and Republican
strategists believed there was a need to stratify the NASCAR Dad group. Indiana
State University Political Science professor Ray Miller states it austerely:
“Not all Mullet Men are NASCAR Dads, not all NASCAR Dads are Mullet Men, but all
Mullet Men are NASCAR fans—that is the difference.”
Mullet Men are similar to
Soccer Moms because they care about issues, according to University of
California-Irvine professor Mark Petrocca. Petrocca also told the Orange County
Register that “Soccer Mom was a mind-set. Those women had specific interests and
characteristics. Those characteristics made certain political factors important
to them. Things like gun control, abortion rights, etc.”
Wearing a mullet is also a
mind-set. All Mullet Men share similar characteristics, such as drinking beer
and fornicating with women of low character. The issues they care about are the
abolition of ordinances that pertain to having old cars in your yard and the
prohibition of motor vehicles on city streets without mufflers.
What does this mean for
Indiana? It means the road to the White House will go through our fair state.
Indiana has the largest percentage of mullet wearers per capita in the country
at 14%. This number ranks above the Hoosier State’s western and
southern neighbors, Illinois and Kentucky.
Many citizens in Indiana
are tickled pink that the eventual Democratic nominee and President Bush will
establish a beachhead in Indiana during their battle for the presidency.
Mel Calhoun of Toad Hop
felt a great sense of self importance when Howard Dean sought after men with
Confederate flag bumper stickers. “That made me real happy, but I’m even more
excited that John Kerry is talking to me when he says he wants Mullet Men. I’ve
got a mullet and at least ten things with confederate flags on them.” Calhoun
has been a card carrying member of the Mullet Men since 1989.
IUPUI political science
professor Edgar Shore believes its important for
Presidential candidates to covet an otherwise ignored segment of the population
in order to win the election. “As David Allen Coe said in his song If That
Ain’t Country, ‘a lot of people have forgotten about poor white trash.’ Now
is a rare opportunity to hear their opinions, even though I’m not sure we want
to hear them.” But Shore added, “It’s important all the same to give an under
represented minority group a say in how the country is ran.”
Shore offers up a reason
why both political parties will direct their attention towards Mullet Men and
Indiana: “Since Indiana contains nearly 1 million inhabitants of this group,
this state will jump to the forefront of the Presidential campaign. Mullets are
being sought after because of their fierce loyalty. After they are won over to
a party, they will be loyal Democrats or Republicans for life. After all,
Mullet Men would never dream of switching the brand of beer they consume and the
NASCAR driver they support week after week. Furthermore, they’ve had the same
hairstyle since the 1980s. This is a group that doesn’t change its preferences,
ever!”
