I never
made any resolutions before, but due to my advancing age and the health problems
that come with it, my doctor has made some for me. Here are some of the things
he has advised me to do in 2005 if I want to live until 2006 and my plan for
sticking to them:
1) Quit
drinking and lose weight.
I
normally like the full-bodies taste of Old Style, but my doctor says I need to
quit drinking because of my diabetes, high blood pressure, and beer gut. So I
switched to Keystone Light—tastes good, is cheap, and I can drink about 16 of
them before I get a buzz. This ain’t real beer, so I am following doctor’s
orders, and as much beer as I drink, the pounds are starting to melt off.
2) Quit
smoking.
I have
smoked Lucky Strikes since I was nine years old, so this is a tough one. I
tried the patch, the gum, you name it over the years with no success, so I
finally found something that cures my cravings: Copenhagen smokeless tobacco.
My lungs are starting to feel better already and my clothes don’t smell as bad.
3) Eat
healthier.
I usually
to go to Hardee’s for biscuits and gravy every morning, don’t eat lunch, and eat
a steak or other kind of meat for dinner.
I don’t
like veggies hardly at all, but my doctor said I need to start eating them
because I am vitamin and mineral deficient so I decided to go back to Hardee’s
for lunch and get some French fried taters to keep the doc off my back.
The
changes I made will take a lot of sacrifice and discipline to stick to, but I
believe I am man enough to do it. I want to stick around long enough to see my
grandkids play high school football.
Taker
easy,
DON
Dear Don,
My parents
hate me and I don’t know why. They are constantly grounding me and also hate my
friends. Please help!
--Jimmy,
Evansville, IN
Dear
Jimmy,
If your
parents hate you, you must be one great big piece of crap! Usually even if
everyone else on Earth hates you, your parents will be the ones who stand by
your side. That is why when they show the parents of a murderer on TV, they
always say, “He was such a good boy—I don’t believe he would do this!” My
advice to you is to quit being such an a-hole, lose the druggy friends, take out
the piercings, and clean yourself up a bit. I bet you look like all those other
skater kids trying to be “original”. Maybe then your parents will start liking
you a bit better.
DON
Dear Don,
My name is
Todd from Austin, Indiana (30 miles north of Louisville on I-65). I am very
worried about having a black president someday. I just know it is about to
happen. I am also afraid that same sex marriage is going to be legal also. I
do not think I could raise my child up in such an environment. I also work for
a company in Louisville that seems to respect the people who like the same sex.
I was a manager for this company just until recently when I was offered a
position and accepted it but it was given to a man who is interested in both
sexes. I am faced with going to work now for a woman who is going to be my boss
and is attracted to the same sex (she just took over today). Don, I am a mess
right now. I am currently looking for a Christian oriented establishment to
work or better yet own my own business. What should I do? Please remember me
in your prayers.
Respectively,
Todd.
PS
Sorry if I seem like a "cry baby." I am really a mentally strong person with
strong work ethics I have inherited from my family! I am just sick of this!
Dear Todd,
Be patient.
Now that George W. has been elected to a second term and doesn’t have to worry
about getting re-elected and has a Republican majority in Congress, he is going
to start kicking ass and taking names. Women, minorities, and sexual deviants
better enjoy it while they can—their special privaledges are about to come to an
end. It might take some time, but W will get the job done. Just hold on and
have faith—Rome wasn’t built in a day.
DON
Dear Don,
Did you know
that there really was a Johnny Appleseed, and he's buried in Fort Wayne? You'd
be surprised at how many people think Johnny Appleseed is just a myth.
--Anne, Fort Wayne, Indiana
Dear Anne,
I don’t believe your story for a
second. Next thing you are going to try and tell me is that Paul Bunyon is from
Evansville and the tooth fairy has a condo in Fishers. Give me a break lady—I
didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.
DON
Dear Don,
After reading some of your
columns, I get the feeling that you are a redneck. Is my assumption true?
