I have been having some very kinky sex dreams starring *you*. I have been quite
upset about this, as you can well imagine. What should I do?
--Kim of Avon, IN
Dear Kim,
I can see why you are upset—since I am a married man and getting a divorce is
out of the question (it ain’t worth paying $800 a month in child support and
half my pension) those dreams you been having will never be realized. I feel bad
for all the gals out there who want a great big piece of Donny Beefcake but
can’t have any. If I were you, I would just find some kind of hobby to take your
mind off of me. How about bingo or knitting?
Take care sweety and thanks for writing!
Don
Dear Don,
I just read the Queer Eye for the Straight guy article.
It is wonderful to see that hate is alive and well in southern Indiana.
It is not wonder that the rest of the country treats us like inbred, uneducated
hill jacks. Bravo Hoosier Gazette. You show case everything that is wrong with
this state. But rest assured, your hateful reign will be over soon.
--Anonymous, West Lafayette
Dear Anonymous,
We sure have gotten a lot of anonymous letters lately. It is a shame that people
that want to bitch and complain don’t have the nads to sign their name when they
do. Anyway, since you and many people like you don’t have the cognitive ability
to figure out that the article you mention is fictional, we went ahead and put a
disclaimer at the top before activists started picketing the town. As for our
reign, I didn’t know we were reigning over anything, but I will take that as a
compliment.
Pissing sensitive people off rocks!
DON
Dear Don,
I've never heard of the hoosier gazette before. I inadvertantly linked here from
another site and have only rarely wished so fervently that I'd never clicked a
hyperlink.
I'm sure your little satires are enjoyable to most people, but to have an entire
section devoted to the smearing of another state to the exclusion of all others
is pretty despicable.
Obviously, you've never been to Kentucky nor have you ever talked to anyone from
this state.
Your jokes page says "At least we don't live in Kentucky".... Rest easy,
hoosiers, Kentucky wouldn't have you. Kentucky is not for snobs or mean-spirited
jerks who wouldn't know a thoroughbred from a jackass since the latter well
outnumbers the former.
Obviously folks in Indiana have too much time on their hands. I sincerely hope,
however, that they at least have something, ANYTHING, better to do than read
your drivel.
--A proud Kentucky native
Dear Proud,
I regret to say that yes, I have been to that pitiful place you hilljacks call
the Commonwealth and nothing I saw or anyone I had the displeasure of talking to
made me believe that the Kentucky bashing that occurs on this site is out of
line.
As a matter of fact, it warms my heart to think that you stumbled across this
site and it pissed you off so badly that you just had to take the time to write
a five-paragraph letter explain your disgust with the site. Mission
accomplished!
Take it easy---you toothless, inbred S.O.B!
Don
Dear Don:
Who do you think will win the goobernatorial election this fall—Kernan or
Daniels?
--Jeff Banas, Darmstadt, IN.
Dear Jeff,
That is a very tough question, but after looking at both candidates, I would
have to say My Man Mitch will win. He has that catchy saying, rides around to
all the counties in his RV, and seems like a pretty good guy. I think Joe Kernan
is a good guy too, but the problem is he looks like an evil Mr. Clean. If you
look at him close in pictures, he is scary looking and I think that will keep
women and the elderly from voting for him. If I was him, I wouldn’t let anyone
else photograph me until the election was over.
DON
Dear Don,
I find it quite disturbing that you The Hoosier Gazette would post an article in
regards to a man that eats dog!!! I hope that all of the Animal Shelters have
taken his name, and will now ban him from ever adopting an animal again. And
your paper should be ashamed to have published this article to begin with. It is
animal cruelty, and he should be arrested.
--Anonymous, somewhere in South Carolina
Dear Anonymous,
I love animals as much as the next person—I love them fried, barbequed, smoked,
you name it! Especially with some gravy, green beans, and mashed taters. Makes
my mouth water just writing about it!
And by the way, if you don’t like something written in our little newspaper,
don’t read it—it is as simple as that. If you want to start your own newspaper
that discusses the virtues of being such a pansy, then that is your prerogative.
I might not like what you are saying, but I wouldn’t whine and complain about it
to you.
Don
Dear Don,
I recently attended a high school football game in
which an alum of the school had just returned from
Iraq after 14 months and was in attendance that night.
The p.a. announcer welcomed back this soldier and let
the crowd in on what seemed to me to be a disturbing
insight into his psyche. It seems that the 31 year-old
soldier told his parents that all he wanted to do when
he got home was attend one of his old high school's
football games. My problem is not with the man per
say, but with the extreme conditions that this poor
soul obviously had to endure to set his standards so
low just to survive in a combat zone. Do you think I
am being less of a patriot for not just clapping and
turning a blind eye to this matter? What are your
feelings on the war in Iraq and the mentality of
today's soldier?
Did the "Make A Wish Foundation" have their funding
cut? I don't think your unpatriotic for thinking this
guy has probably seen one too many soldiers pull "the
camel must have spit on you" gag on a blind snake
charmer. However, in his defense, when you have spent
that amount of time staring at nothing but brown eyes
and ankles, and you're not in prison, you're bound to
fantasize about the small splendors of home-life.
It's true that high school football in the Midwest is
big, but unless the pigskin's air-holes have increased
in girth, I would take the boy with no hand-prints to
an adult establishment and show him what he was truly
fighting for. As far as the war in Iraq goes my
philosophy has not changed....One Bomb, One Parking
Lot, One Super Wal-Mart = Millions of jobs for the
Iraqis.
Don
Dear Don,
My daddy is an old drunk and he embarrasses me all the time. Just to give you an
example of the kind of things he does, I took this picture:
What can I do to get him clean up his act and be a real dad?
Dear Cody,
Your dad sure looks like a real winner. If I was a betting man, I would say
there is no hope for him changing his ways after seeing that photo. If you can’t
stand living with him, my best advice to you is to run away from home and don’t
come back. It will be hard at first, and you will probably be cold and hungry,
but at least you won’t have to see your old man sitting on the can talking on
the phone and drinking a beer anymore.
DON
Dear Don,
It hurts when I pee. What should I do?
--Otis Stevenson, Warsaw, IN
Dear Otis,
You need to quit putting your thing in all of them hoochies down at your local
watering hole. Trust me—I know from experience that three minutes of fun is not
worth pissing razor blades for a week. From now on, I suggest you find more
productive ways to fill your time—like wood carving or model airplanes or
something. You will thank me for it later.
DON
Dear Don,
Who is your favorite comedian on the WB’s Blue Collar TV?
--Dusty Minton, Evansville, IN
Dear Dusty,
My favorite guy on Blue Collar is Larry the Cable Guy. That man is a genius!
Anybody that can come up with catch phrases like “Git-‘R-Done!” and the like is
a hero in my book. I was at my local Wal-Mart the other day and must have heard
that saying a dozen times—it is sweeping the nation like a storm! Jeff Foxworthy
is past his prime. I might be a redneck, but that guy just ain’t funny anymore.
By the way, those of you that haven’t seen Blue Collar TV can catch it on
Thursdays at 8pm Eastern/7 Central.
