I love
watching the superhero movies. They are my favorite. Daredevil is one of my
favorite heroes. But I don't get why a super hero who is blind needs eye holes
in his cowl? My wife said you might know.
--Jesse Deig, Mooresville
Dear Jesse,
What are you, some kind
of weirdo? Why don’t you watch some real heros like Rambo or The Terminator? I
get thousands of e-mails from you comic book nerds asking me this kind of thing
all the time. Who cares? Grow up and be a man.
DON
Dear Don,
I'm interested in purchasing a firearm mainly for home security and going to the
range for recreation. Just in case an intruder breaks in I want to be able to
take him out if need be. I've done some research and either a .357 Magnum or 12
gauge shot gun would fit my criteria mentioned above. Any additional advice or
information would be helpful.
--Shooter McGavin, parts unknown
Dear Shooter,
The more firepower the better. The way society is going down the toilet, you
should do like I did and build an arsenal. Shot guns, pistols, machetes, swords,
Chinese stars, whatever—I got it. No thug breaking in my house is going to catch
me slipping. Anybody messes with me is going to get a little daylight in his
liver.
DON
Dear Don,
Do you think John Kerry will beat Bush this November?
--Paul Andrews, Hammond, IN
Dear Paul,
I think it will be another close election with hanging chads and all of that.
Once again, those morons in Florida will probably decide the election. I just
hope “W” wins or our taxes are going to skyrocket—just what we need with the oil
prices getting higher. I am sorry to all of you Democrats out there, but Kerry
sucks.
DON
Dear Don,
SO WHATS THE SCOOP ON MIKE DAVIS AS HEAD COACH FOR THE 2004-2005 SEASON? WILL HE
STAY ON AS HEAD COACH OR ARE WE GOING TO HAVE A NEW COACH, YET AGAIN.
PERSONALLY, I THINK WE SHOULD GIVE HIM A CHANCE, HE'S A GREAT COACH. AND BESIDES
NO MATTER WHO WE GET, THEY'LL NEVER FILL THE GENERALS SHOES, NEVER!
PLEASE LET ME KNOW ABOUT IU'S COACH?
--E.J. Goins, Clarksville, IN
Dear E.J.,
I am sorry to say that Davis will be back. I disagree with you in one respect—I
think he is a sucky coach, but agree that no one will ever fill the General’s
shoes.
No matter how poorly Davis does, he will be at IU until his contract expires
unless he really screws up badly. The university would take too much heat if
they got rid of a black guy. Indiana already has a reputation for being a bunch
of redneck racists that is home of the Klan, and that would only make it worse.
Just sit back and get ready to enjoy a few more seasons of mediocre basketball.
DON
Dear Don,
For Father's Day my son made me a "gold medal" at his
summer camp in lieu of the Olympics. However, the
"gold medal" looked somewhere between a Little Debbie
star crunch and a melted moon pie, tied to a neon
yellow shoe string. When I began to laugh my wife
quickly pinched me under the table and later yelled at
me about damaging his self-esteem. I have high blood
pressure and am wondering if in the future I should
just hold it in for his sake?
--Dave Willard, South Bend, IN
Dear Dave,
Your wife is right, laughing uncontrollably would be
harmful to your son's self esteem. However, holding
in the amusement at your son's creative level being
equal to a circus that advertises tall midgets, may be
equally bad for your heart. So you must ask yourself,
is your son's self-esteem more important than your
health. On average it cost $180,000 to raise a child
through college. I say he can go to college without
self-esteem, but if you are the breadwinner, I would
laugh at the little special Olympian.
DON
Dear Don,
Do you really think their going to enforce the smoking law in Indiana? And who
sent this bill to the House to vote on? If I can only smoke on or in my
property, and my vehicle, with the windows up, and it offends someone, your too
damn close to me, get out of my face and space. I am getting ready to light you
up or light one myself to smoke.
--Gary Woolard, Princeton, IN
Dear Gary,
It looks like our state and local police really are going to go all out to
enforce the smoking law. I read in the Seymour newspaper that all cop cars are
being outfitted with smoke detectors so they can use the results as evidence in
court when someone tries to say they weren’t smoking. If I were you, I would
quit as soon as possible, unless you want the fuzz after you. Try some of that
Nicotrol, it might work. Sorry about the bad news.
DON
Dear Don,
I've been married for 14 years to the same woman. Things aren't as good as they
should be, and I'm thinking about getting my wife a copy of Dr. Laura's book
"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands."
From what I've been able to learn about the book, it seems to be sort of one
sided...lots of ways for a woman to stroke the ego and satisfy her husband's
needs, but nothing concerning a wife's desires in the marriage.
Will my wife be offended if I present a gift-wrapped copy of the book to her on
our anniversary?
I was also thinking that I could just give her the book next time we go to Bingo
Night at the Petroleum United Methodist Church.
--Walter Zoomie, Roll, IN
Dear Walter,
Good to hear from you again—this makes it your third time on my column. I do
feel sorry for you cause you got a helluva lot of problems. Anyway, we’ll see
what we can do.
As far as giving your wife the Dr. Laura book, go ahead and do it. You need to
be concerned with your needs, not your wife’s. You are the one dissatisfied—I
haven’t been getting any letters from Mrs. Zoomie, so she must be doing just
fine.
It is time for you to quit being soft and put your wife in her place. It is her
job to clean, cook, take care of the kids, and do the horizontal cha-cha now and
then to keep you satisfied. All that sensitivity crap has got to go. You are the
man of the house, so you need to take charge—when you say “jump” she should say
“How high?” Remember your wedding vows. She is to love, honor, and most of all
OBEY you.
Act like a real man for God’s sake.
DON
Dear Don,
My father and I don't get along very well. We disagree about everything. I don't
want to see my father very much. How can I tell him this without being really
mean?
--Madeline Dickson, College Station, TX
Dear Madeline,
You don’t really give me a lot to go on—there could be many reasons for you and
your daddy’s problems communicating. One thing I won’t do is I am not going to
give you advice on how to tell him you don’t want to see him; children should
respect and love their parents—for God’s sake, they raised your sorry ass for at
least 18 years. You need to work out your problems with your dad so you all can
get along.
There is one main reason why fathers and daughters don’t get along. Dads think
of their daughters as little princesses for most of their early lives. Then the
daughters grow up to be dirty whores. I bet your old man came home from his card
game early one night only to catch you burning up some low-life on the living
room couch. This is hard to swallow for any father. Especially if the loser he
caught you with ain’t even the same color as you.
Now I doubt your daddy will ever get over that, but maybe if you quit being such
a slut and come home at a decent hour on the weekends, he might start forgiving
you and your relationship will improve.
DON
Dear Don,
How do you feel about gay
marriages?
--Gene Wyman, Elizabeth, IN
Dear Gene,
Normally I am pretty conservative about social issues, but I have to back
the Democrats on this one. I think gays should be allowed to get married. Now,
it is not that I approve of two men being together in that way—to me that is
awful sickening. I just think that it is our fiscal responsibility to allow it
for financial reasons. Weddings cost a ton of money—just think how that will
help our country in the long run! Gay guys are going to pump each other,
married or not—they might as well pump some money into our economy while they
are at it!
DON
Dear Don,
Why aren’t there very many white stars in the NBA? I saw Larry Bird complaining
about it this week on the tube.
--Mark Dank, Wadesville
Dear Mark,
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. Black guys can run
faster and jump higher than white guys. What color are the best sprinters and
jumpers in the Olympics? How many white cornerbacks do you see in the NFL? If
you are one of those idealists that says race has nothing to do with it, you are
kidding yourself. I know you ain’t supposed to say it because no one wants to
admit it, but it is true. Smoke that in your pipe Mark!
DON
Dear Don,
Who will,win in November, Kernan or Daniels? Does it make any difference as far
as "Hoosier values" are concerned? (Don't get too
highfalutin' in your answer.)
--Joe Polock, Warsaw, IN
Dear Joe,
Mark my words—My Man Mitch Daniels will be Indiana’s new governor. He has
traveled around the state for a couple of years in a big RV, visiting every
county and gathering support, and if there is one thing Hoosiers like, it is
RVs. Just about every person I know has a dream of retiring, getting a rig like
Daniels has, and traveling around the state and maybe even country just for the
fun of it. Daniels is a role model for all Hoosiers.
DON
Dear Don,
I just heard tell that Broad Ripple is gonna have another of them "Art" festival
things--OUTDOORS, where people can even see it and all. Are we being overrun by
commies?
--Roscoe Maloney, Indianapolis
Dear Roscoe,
Thanks for warning me—I won’t come within a hundred miles of that place when it
happens. I can’t tell the difference between what some people call “art” and
what I call “manure”. I saw where so a-hole a while back tried to sell an old
broken down easy chair as art for thousands of dollars, claiming it was a work
of art. On top of it, I can’t stand most artists—they walk around with them
little berets on and them long plastic things that they put their cigarettes in
like they are all that. I would just as soon feed them a knuckle sandwich as
look at them. And yes, they are all card-carrying communists.
DON
Dear Don,
What do you think of NASCAR wanting to take the "redneck" out of the sport? What
will this mean for us good ole boys?
--Bubba Smith, Hickville, IN
Dear Bubba,
That is a terrible mistake on the part of the powers to be of NASCAR. It is the
only sport that working-class, white men and women have left. All other
professional sports have ticket prices so high that fellers like you and me
can’t even afford to take our kids to see a game. I think if they try to take
the only thing we have left reserved just for us away, rednecks will finally get
pissed off enough to riot and burn down cities where tracks are located—then
they might perk up their ears and listen to what we have to say! We will make
the Watts riots look like a picnic! You just wait and see.
