I appreciate you concern—don’t worry, I am back. Those of you that read my
column regularly noticed that I didn’t have one last week. I learned a little
lesson I would like to pass on to all of you—don’t drink the water in Mexico. I
went down to Brownsville, Texas to visit my cousin Terry and one night we
decided to head over the border to Matamoros, Mexico for a wild night. Once we
got there, we ate supper at a local dinner—I love genuine Mexican cuisine.
Anyway, I got a hold of some of them hot habanyero peppers and damn near burned
three layers of skin out of my mouth. That XX beer wasn’t putting out the fire,
so I grabbed a pitcher of water off of the next table. After a few minutes my
mouth was fine, but later that night when we hit the clubs, the Doody Man caught
me slipping. Not only did I crap my pants, but I was laid up sitting on Terry’s
commode for the next five days. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. If it
weren’t for the nice people at the local hospital giving me I.V.s I would have
written my last column. I am alright now, just about 25 pounds lighter.
Dear Don,
What are your plans for the summer?
--Will Jacobs, Atlanta, GA
Dear Will,
To be honest, I don’t really have anything set in stone but I do have few ideas.
I’d like to head down to Patoka Lake for a couple days to fish, and I will
probably check out a couple big NASCAR races—the only tracks I haven’t been too
are Phoenix and New Hampshire, so I would like to head there if I can get my RV
running. I was hoping to go to Little Sturgis in Kentucky—I heard that is one
hell of a party—but I will have to wait and see.
DON
Dear Don,
What makes some of the local furniture merchants here in Indy decide it's a good
idea to personally sing in their commercials? The Leath Furniture guy and that
other fellow with the guitar and an ill-applied fake mustache are some examples.
This fascinates me.
--Kim of Indianapolis
Dear Kim,
Some people want to be famous so bad that they will do anything—even embarrass
themselves on local TV. Those guys could have a local member of the high school
choir sing a jingle about their business and it would sound nice. Instead, they
torture all of us viewers by acting ridiculous with their stupid outfits and
terrible singing voices. I would like to take those jacklegs to the wood shed
and put a hurting on them with a hickory switch, the way my daddy would do me
when I was little. Then they would be singing a different kind of song, one that
would be music to my ears.
DON
Dear Don:
Why are so many people against building Interstate 69 from Indy to Evansville?
It seems to me it would be good for the economy.
--Wilbur, Evansville, IN
Dear Wilbur,
There are a lot of things in this state that don’t make much sense. You can see
it everyday in the newspapers and on TV. Your town of Evansville is a perfect
example. They could have had a AA minor league baseball team backed by some of
the legends of the game—Don Mattingly, Tommy Lasorda, and Cal Ripken Jr.—but it
would have cost a few bucks to get started so it was nixed. Anyway, with I-69,
there are some hickabillies in those rural southern counties that like being
separated from the rest of the world so they can make meth on their farms
without being bothered much by law enforcement. If you get an interstate through
there, that means there will be more state police in the area, and a lot more
busts. That and some folks are worried a few birds or frogs might get their
habitat ruined. Luckily for all of us, there are a few good Republicans in the
Assembly who are taking care of business.
DON
Dear Don:
Over 2 years ago I put my house up for sale but since then have had a pickle of
a time selling the darn thing. The reason being is that my
address is 420 Butt Court. Nobody wants to live on a road named after your
crapper. I've tried everything short of changing the street name. Don, what can
I do?
--Ken Whitefolks, Suburbs, IN
Dear Ken,
You ARE in quite a pickle, but this problem is easily solved if you play your
cards right. The only way to get the city to change the name quickly is to go
down to city hall and tell them you think the street name should be changed to
Martin Luther King Jr. Court. If they refuse, call them a bunch of racists and
tell them you are going to notify the local media about them being against black
folks. You will have a new street name before sunset.
DON
Dear Don:
Is it better to buy a pure breed dog or get one from the local animal shelter?
--Kevin, Floyds Knobs, IN
Dear Kevin,
That is an easy question. Always get your animals from a shelter. I got two
inside dogs, one is a pure bred Great Dane with papers and the other is from the
local animal shelter—I think he is mostly Australian Shepherd but I don’t know
for sure. I like both of the them the same, but the Dane I bought for $300 and
then had to get all of her shots, spayed, etc. which altogether ran me a few
hundred more. The other dog I got for $50 and it was already fixed, with shots
and everything. Sure, it is a hell of a lot uglier than the Dane, but to me
money talks, so from now on I will take a mutt from the shelter any day.
DON
Dear Don:
Who do you think will win the goobernatorial election this fall—Kernan or
Daniels?
--Jeff Banas, Darmstadt, IN.
Dear Jeff,
That is a very tough question, but after looking at both candidates, I would
have to say My Man Mitch will win. He has that catchy saying, rides around to
all the counties in his RV, and seems like a pretty good guy. I think Joe Kernan
is a good guy too, but the problem is he looks like an evil Mr. Clean. If you
look at him close in pictures, he is scary looking and I think that will keep
women and the elderly from voting for him. If I was him, I wouldn’t let anyone
else photograph me until the election was over.
