A lot of newspapers such as yours have personal ads. I would like to see a
section of your website devoted to the fine single men and women of Indiana
looking for love and perhaps an escape from Indiana.
--George Peterson, Chantilly, VA
P.S. My father was from South Bend ... so that makes me half Indianan.
Dear George,
We tried to have personal ads on here, but it got to the point where the
pictures of single Hoosiers were scaring off our viewers. You can only look at
fat, ugly people with greasy hair and skin so many times before it is a major
turn off. Most of the good-looking guys and gals with personalities don’t need
singles ads, so we decided to hell with it—it ain’t even worth it. To be honest
with you, after the age of 24, there ain’t much to choose from out in the
singles market. Anyone single that doesn’t look like a warmed-over turd has
three or four kids and a ton of emotional baggage so in my opinion to stay away
from that. We might bring the personals back someday, but only if we can make a
boat-load of money off of it.
DON
Dear Don:
I have a serious problem. I was an all-city football player back in the early
70s, and all the men in my family have played high school football, going back
to the 1920s. Now I have a son who is getting ready to start high school this
fall, and he doesn’t like football at all. I have done just about everything in
my power to convince him he needs to carry on the family tradition, but he would
rather play video games and practice the clarinet (my damn wife got him started
on that). I am at my wit’s end. What can I do to change his mind?
--Larry Young, Lagrange, IN
Dear Larry,
I wasn’t sure what to tell you so I looked in a parenting book and it said you
should accept your son for who he is and encourage him to pursue his interests.
To me, that is a crock of bull if I ever read one. You better take action soon,
or your son will be a sissy for life. You have some hard decisions to make if
you want your son to grow into a man and not one these liberals. Since it
doesn’t look like you are getting any support from your wife, contact a lawyer
and if it looks like you can get custody of your son, divorce her as soon as
possible—you can’t have that subversive element undermining your efforts. Once
you do that, take that Playstation and clarinet to the pawn shop. Use the money
and get some football videos about Dick Butkus and some good action movies like
Rambo and Terminator and make that boy of yours watch them every day. Before
long he will be reprogrammed into a fierce hitting machine!
DON
Dear Don:
I have a MAJOR problem. I am a second year college student and my girlfriend is
a first year college student. I stayed in Illinois to go to school. She ran off
to EASTERN KENTUCKY U! I know you of all people can understand the pain of this
one. I don't have to worry about her cheating on me because she doesn't have any
family down there, but I am still embarrassed about this. What should I do?
--Lonely in Illinois for an EKU student
Dear Lonely,
I really feel for you. There ain’t much worse than courting a gal for a long
time and falling in love then they run off for one reason or another. This
happened to me when I was about your age. My girlfriend Tammy and I went out all
through high school and were about to get married when she took off with some
guy with one of them Burt Reynold’s Trans Ams. I was upset about it for quite a
while and didn’t get over it for years. My advise to you is don’t pine away like
I did—she ain’t never comin’ back. Even if she does, you don’t want her after
she has been in Kentucky. Just do what I should have done—party your ass off!
Get drunk (but don’t drive) and screw as many girls as you can. Before long you
will forget all about her. If you need someone to show you how it’s done, just
e-mail me at don@hoosiergazette.com.
I ain’t never been to college, but after seeing those Girls Gone Wild videos, I
wouldn’t mind coming to campus and seeing what that is all about!
DON
Dear Don:
I'm eighty years old and wondering when the hell I get a rest! Viagra
gave me a stiffy for 24 hours but, some idiot complained. Why did
Cialos come on the market? Were they're complaints? Who needs a boner that lasts
36 hours? I've checked with all the fellers at my rest home. Nobody, here is
bitching. What we want is a pill that lasts 30 seconds! I'm tired of swinging
lumber into my walker! Please, help us!
--Chuck from Connersville, IN
Dear Chuck:
Nobody your age needs to be having physical relations. Aside from the risks of
heart attack or stroke, it is just plain sick to think of an 80 year-old still
getting doing the horizontal Lambada. If I were you, I would go back to playing
checkers and watching Matlock. If the gal you are trying to burn up ain’t good
lookin’ enough to put some lead in your pencil, it ain’t worth it.
Sorry, just trying to be honest and put it too you in plain terms.
DON
Dear Don:
Because of your article in the Hoosier Gazette the word is spreading around this
"City by the Bay" about your state's approval of gay marriages. We are very
excited and plans are already being discussed about possibly holding our next
"Chiffon and Lace Convention" in Indianapolis.
And by the way, we love the name of your web magazine. Might I suggest that to
appeal even more to the gay community you change the spelling just slightly to
The Hoser Gazette.
Please keep up the wonderful work. When we get to Indianapolis we will welcome
the entire Gazette staff to enjoy our hospitality room. We like to think nobody
does "hospitality" like us.
James Franks
Vice President
Greater San Francisco Gay and Lesbian Coalition
James:
You better keep your distance! That is fine that you and all your friends (or
whatever you call them) like THG, but don’t be expecting me to be all
lovey-dovey with your kind. If you try any funny stuff, you’ll be a victim of my
idea of hospitality—a two-by-four across your skull.
DON
Dear Don,
Besides, frying in bacon grease with eggs, how do you cook up a mess of squirrel
brains? Since, my husband, Herb has went through a heart transplant, I have
become concerned about his diet. I have been searching the Internet on recipes
regarding squirrel but can’t find nothing. Does Emeril not even care? Is
Squirrel a local delicasy?
--Batesville Betty
Dear Betty,
I ain’t never eaten the brains of a squirrel so your question is kind of out of
my area of expertise. Aside from chicken livers and gizzards, I tend to avoid
eating animal organs—I just like the plain old meat. The one way I do know to
cook brains is to fry them like a tenderloin, but that is for pig and cow
brains. Squirrels brains might be too small for that. If you are ever hungry for
brains, the best place to get them is in Evansville. I was passing through there
one time in October, and they have a big festival where everyone in town goes
down to a closed off street and eats brain sandwiches everyday for a week.
