Archive Don Page 7

Dear Don,

Home just hasn't been the same since Coaches Knight, Corso, and
Councilman are gone. Will it ever be the same?

--Kurt, Fort Myers, FL

Dear Kurt,

You are preaching to the choir. Losing those guys hurt me deep down inside, especially Coach Knight. The day the General got fired was the worst day of my life, even worse than the day I got married. That is saying something, because my life has been nothing but hell ever since.

My old lady was a pretty little thing when I knocked her up senior year in high school, now she could pass for Buick. And if being a fat cow isn’t bad enough, to make things worse all she does is complain about her feet hurting. Sometimes I would like to say, “Quit eatin’ so damn much chocolate and lose some weight and maybe they won’t hurt so bad!” but that would just make things worse. I would never hear the end of it.

If you haven’t made the mistake already, don’t get married. It ain’t worth it. If it wasn’t for the child support I would have been long gone ten years ago.

DON

Dear Don,

Every time Hank and me go fishing, we get abducted by aliens! I'm tired of waking up face down in my Bass boat with my bibs to my knees. What should I do?

--Red, South Bend

P.S. What is your favorite lure?

Dear Red,

It looks like you and your buddy need to go fishing somewhere else—it seems like you would have learned the first time you was abducted. You got to be very careful these days, Indiana isn’t as safe as it used to be. Aliens are everywhere. They sneak across the border from Mexico at night when no one can see them and spread out around the country, even to places you would never expect like South Bend. I was hoping when George W. got elected he would do a better job of closing off the border from them kind. That is the only thing about the president I am kind of disappointed about. Before you know it, we will all be speaking Mexican.

Better find a new fishing hole, that is about all I can tell you.

As for your other question, I don’t really use any special lure. I generally fish for channel cats, and when I do I like to use chicken livers. They usually do the trick. Caught some big ones this summer. Good eatin’ too.

Take care,

DON

Dear Don,

Hidden in my barn is a dirt picture of a Mennonite woman churning butter. Her arms are bare and you can see all of her ankle. If der police find it will I go to der jail?

--Nervous, not near Nappannee

Dear Nervous,

Glad to hear from one of our friends in the Mennonite community. We have gotten a lot of feedback from your people—it seems The Hoosier Gazette is really big with you guys.

I hear you all really know how to party--maybe sometime I will make it up there and see what all the hype is about. Do you make your own beer?

As far as your question is concerned, I wouldn’t worry about it. The cops won’t bother you. In normal society, you can look at just about anything your heart desires, as long as it is of legal age (18 years). Check this out:

www.dukefarm.com

Since I can tell you like the ladies, I have even better news—starting soon, one of our staff photographers, Melvin Flener, will have his ‘HoosierGazette.com Hottie of the Month’, with interviews and pics of cute little honeys from around the state. Be sure to check back if you want to see something a heck of a lot better than an arm or an ankle!

Don’t work too hard.

DON

Dear Don:

My wife's sister married a Kentuckian, and he's a real jerk, but he
treats her and their kids good. He's an ex-Army dog, and I'm a prior
service Marine, so he likes to mess with me a lot...kinda like a dog
sniffing at another's rear end, sizing me up and stuff.

Anyways, for the sake of family harmony I have refrained from kicking
the hell out of him. I've made it pretty clear to him, in private, that
he pisses me off and that he should keep his distance, but he continues to toy with me. Should I forget about family unity and plant my size 12 boot up his ass or what?

I guess I'm lucky that I live way up here in Roll while he's way down
there in Lexington KY. That way I only have to deal with him on the
holidays.

I consider myself a man of peace, like Gandhi, or Mandela, but this
Kentucky SOB has just about worked my last nerve. Please advise.

I gotta run now. I got some scrapple on the stove.

--Walter Zoomie of Roll, Indiana

Dear Walter,

Pacifism never got me anywhere. Those folks that don’t believe in fighting are the same ones who got their tails kicked all through school as a kid. They are the grown ups who now don’t agree with President Bush and the war, crying on TV about how it is wrong. Horse feathers!!! Saddam got what was coming to him! I just wish I would have been the one to find him. There sure as hell wouldn’t be no need for him to be put on trial. Hard to get testimony out of a greasy spot.

Anyway, go ahead a tear into that a-hole brother in law of yours. He deserves it for being from Kentucky if not for anything else. Since you only see him during holidays, wait until dinner is over and all the presents are opened so you don’t ruin the holiday for everyone. I would wait until everyone is about to leave then sock him one. That way you won’t have to be around for all the crying and commotion it will probably cause. Hope this settles it for you.

DON

Dear Don,

Me and my bro's were sitting in my room hitting on the bong and discovered:

Kevin Bacon has links to Osama Bin Laden!

Hear me out!

Kevin Bacon was in "JFK" with Kevin Costner.
Kevin Costner was in "Revenge" with Anthony Quinn.
Anthony Quinn was in "Lawrence of Arabia” with Omar Shariff.
Omar Shariff has hung out with the Royal Saudi family.
Osama is IN the Royal Saudi family!

Who should I call to report this?

--Zack, Ball State Dorm

Dear Zack,

Here is the number to call-- 1-866-845-8975. This won’t help you report your stupid Kevin Bacon theory, that is the number to find local drug rehabilitation centers. Just call it and tell them you are in Muncie and they will hook you up. If it is one thing I hate, it is people using drugs. Nothing wrong with having a few brewskis with the boys, but lay off them drugs. I bet you are one of them longhaired hippie-lookin’ fellas you see on college campuses around the country. The kind that look up to Bill Clinton. Do you self a favor—quit taking hits from the bong, take a shower, get a haircut, and start studying. Maybe you will be the first person in your family to amount to something with a little luck and hard work.

DON

Dear Don,

Since you're a bigshot here in the Hoosier state, could you get in
touch with John Cougar MenstralKramp down in Seymour and tell him to shut
up already about his politics? Even though I enjoy his music, Johnny's
constant whining has just about worked my last nerve, and he really
can't afford to alienate any fans. Hell, he hasn't had a hit record since
he put out "Hurts So Good," and that's only because Larry Crane and
Kenny Aronoff helped him.

See what you can do. I got to go fix the well pump. I think it's
froze up.

--Walter Zoomie of Roll, IN

Dear Walter,

Thanks for the compliment, although I don’t consider myself a bigshot. Even though this site went national last week doesn’t mean anyone reads my advise column. Ah, who cares anyways. I just want to drink beer and have fun.

About your question—-I don’t understand Mellencamp either. I thought he was a stand up guy with good Hoosier values. Being on MTV and traveling to all them liberal cities in New York and California must have ruined his brain. It is a shame, because his song “Jack and Diane” was one of my favorites. Now if I saw him, he would be the victim of me playin’ some of that sweet chin music on him! And after I mopped the floor with him, I would hop in my truck and head to Hollywood to show Sean Penn a thing or too. You are welcomed to go with me and watch if you want.

Take it easy,

Don

Dear Don,

Are the rednecks in Mississippi more stupid than the backwoods folk in Kentucky?

--Mark Hatfield, Tupelo, Mississippi

Dear Mark,

In some ways I think that is like comparing apples to apples. Both are from the South and both are kind of ignorant.

I would still have to say Kentuckians are the most stupid breed of people in this great country of ours. I base this on the fact that most Kentuckians drive around with a Confederate flag license plate on their Chevy or Ford trucks even though any dang fool knows they never left the Union during the Civil War. This makes absolutely no sense to me.

Another reason I think Kentuckians are dumber is when I check out some of the Kentucky jokes sent in to The Hoosier Gazette, now and then somebody from Kentucky gets on there and rambles on for a couple of pages about how Kentucky basketball is better than Indiana basketball, something that has nothing to do with what the site is asking for.

Yep, Kentuckians are worse. Hope this settles it for you.

To Don and you other Hoosier Gazette liberals:

I take offense to the article about our Indiana boy Damon Bailey. I
guess he is no good to you all because he doesn't wear those greasy dead
locks. Take your rap records and stick them up your fudge cave.

--Calvin Turner, Martinsville

Dear Calvin,

I totally agree with you. Damon Bailey is an Indiana legend and I think the article on this website sucked. I am beginning to worry that these guys I write for are a bunch of card-carrying communists! There are some things in this world that are sacred, and Indiana Hoosier basketball is one of them. Next time I see the webmaster, I am gonna stomp a mud hole in his ass for putting that crap on here. Hope this eases your mind.

Dear Don,

I am pretty sure that I need to lose weight. I have tried everything from Slim Fast to Adkins but I can't stay on any diet more than 2 weeks. I am currently 5'6" and I weigh 482. My friends tell me that I'm not fat, but I think that they are just being nice. Any advice?

--Fernando Grego, Dale, IN

Dear Fernando,

You are right—your friends are just being nice. There is no way around it; you are a fat slob! There is absolutely no reason to be pushin’ five bills. I’ll admit, I can afford to lose some weight, but that is just ridiculous. My advise to you is simple—quit eating so much. And by the way, thanks for not including a picture.

Nice nickname, idiot! Of all the good folks out there who’s name you could have picked for your nickname, you chose some nasty looking, washed-up singer who isn’t even an American. That figures, coming from Terre Haute. No wonder you want some crack, you degenerate. You are barking up the wrong tree asking me that. If you ever get off that stuff and drink beer like a real man, give me a holler.

Dear Don,

When I rode the bus to school, the cool kids rode in the
back of the bus. Does this apply to kids that ride the short bus. I
figure since you rode the short bus too, you would be able to tell us.

--Mario, Seymour, IN

Dear Mario,

This is a good question (by the way, what the hell kind of name is Mario for a Hoosier? You must have moved to Seymour from a foreign place like New York City or something). Anyway, it has been a long time since I went to school so I couldn’t recollect how that works. I asked my niece, who has a boy who rides the short bus and she said that her son rides in the back, but he is the first one on since they live the farthest out in the country so he gets first dibs. I think a lot of those kids are just happy that they don’t have to ride a bus with regular kids and get picked on so they don’t care where they sit.

My psychiatrist told me I have the worst case of arachnophobia she has ever seen. Do you have any suggestions for overcoming my fear?

Bud, I sure would like to help you but I too suffer from the same anxiety. No matter how hard I try, I ain’t been able to shake my fear of getting racked ever since the time in sixth grade when I was trying to jump my neighbor’s fence and didn’t quite make it. I was singing soprano for weeks afterward. If you ever find a cure for this particular ailment, send it my way.

Indiana has long been known as the "Meth Lab Capital" of the Western Hemisphere. Now we all know this substance makes users have a loss of appetite and underweight. That being said, how could Indiana possibly be the Fattest State in America? Don...I need answers!

-Sleepless in Ohio, Columbus, OH

Your question is a very good one. It doesn’t seem like a state with so many meth labs would have so many fat people, but that is certainly the case here in the Hoosier state. The reason is, not everyone here does crank, just some of us, but because of the negative media attention those people get all of us get labeled as junkies. If you noticed in the THG article about Indiana being declared the fattest state, only just over 89% of us are obese. It is the other 11% who are geeked up all the time. That is why they are so skinny, despite living here where poor nutrition is the norm. Hope this answers your question—we are always happy to hear from our eastern friends in Ohio!

I have heard of homosexuals and bisexuals but now there is a new word I have seen on TV a lot lately—“metrosexual”. What in the world is that?

Well Martin, I am afraid to break the bad news to all of the straight people who live in our cities but here it is—a metrosexual is a gay guy who lived in out in the country but was made fun of so he moves to the city (metro-area) where he can be around his own kind. That is why you see a lot more gays in the city than in the country. The capital of gayness is San Francisco, a huge city in California where all the gays used to live but it is too crowded and costs a lot of money to live there so they had to start living in other places where they could afford rent. Luckily for us, Indiana does not have any real big cities other than Indianapolis so we don’t have be too concerned about being invaded by a bunch of them. In fact, most of them move away from Indiana. I went to school with a guy everyone thought was gay but he never said for sure. Once he got out of high school, he moved to New York City, so that confirmed our beliefs. Last I heard he was a book editor. Hope this eases your mind.