Every time
I eat Mexican food, my stomach is obliterated! Everything is great while I
am eating it (I love the taste), but within an hour afterward I get explosive
diarrhea and my a-hole burns for a couple of days. Is there any way to
keep eating my favorite food without this happening?
--John of West Terre Haute
Dear
John,
I wish
I could help you—whoever comes up with a solution to your problem will make a
mint since anyone who eats spicy or ethnic foods is in the same boat. As soon
as a bite of a chiminychanga touches my lips I got to make a bee-line to the
commode. My only advice is if you are planning on eating Mexican, make sure
your only plans for the evening are to go straight home where you have easy and
quick access to a toilet. And you better make sure you have plenty of Charmin
within arms reach.
DON
Dear Don,
The other
night my wife demanded that I take her out to an expensive
place.............So I took her to the gas station.
Your friend,
Eugene
Dear
Eugene,
Good
man! I bet that really ticked her off. Who can afford to go anywhere nice with
gas prices the way they are getting. God forbid they keep going up and I have
to start walking every where, or worse buy one of them Japanese rice-burners
that get 40 mph on the highway.
If I
was you I would tell my old lady that McDonalds is the best you can do until
this energy crisis is under control.
DON
Dear Don,
Gas prices keep
rising all the time—what can our government do to stop it?
--Chili Olsen of
English, IN
Dear Chili,
This bumper
sticker I just ordered shows my thoughts on the matter perfectly:
DON
Dear Don,
What do you think
about Governor Daniels’ idea on changing the whole state to daylight savings
time in June?
--Darryl Kubiak
of Otisco, IN
Dear Darryl,
I think the idea
stinks. I was hoping the governor would put the state on Mountain Time so
Monday Night Football would come on at 7 pm instead of 9 pm. I can’t hardly
stay awake through the first quarter the way it is now. It would also make my
other favorite show The Shield come on at 8 pm instead of 10 pm. It is a
shame that I have to tape Vic Mackey kicking some serious rear and watch it the
next day. If Daniels had a lick of sense he would move us back two hours.
DON
Dear Don,
No offense, because I enjoy
your column but you are about the ugliest old guy I ever saw. Have you ever had
a girlfriend or wife? What does she look like?
--Jim Hronek
Dear Jim,
No offense
taken. I have never liked the picture of me on this web site—my grandson took
it on a camera phone after I had been cutting grass all day and I didn’t get a
chance to clean up good. Plus it doesn’t help that the years of hard drinkin’
and smoking are starting to catch up with me. I don’t think I look that bad
compared to other 50 year old guys I know.
And yes, Jim, I
have had a wife—three of them to be exact and none of them left because of my
looks. I left one for being the biggest whore in town and the others and I just
parted ways because they didn’t like me playing poker and fishing all the time
with my buddies. I burned all of the photos of my first two wives because we
went out on especially bad terms, but I do have a photo of my current
better-half:
